Long-Distance Valentine's Day Tips

I happen to believe that there are varying degrees of distance suckage. I've been speaking with a couple of my girlfriends lately who, ironically enough, are relatively close to their fellas-- i.e. Long Island dates NYC, San Francisco bleeps Sacramento. I think that sucks way more! Not to fan the flames of your PMS, ladies, but am I right? Here's a scenario:

--Girl: Baby, I miss you! What are you up to tonight? *audible batting of eyelashes and irresistible girl pout*
--Guy: I don't know. Bret and Tad are were talking about burning some trees and playing video games. Probably watch some porn while sitting awkwardly close on the couch, then each take turns in the bathroom for a few minutes, and spend $43 each on a 2 a.m. Taco Bell trip.
--Girl: Why don't you surprise me and make the hour trip here? I'll bake!
--Guy: Awww sugar, you know I would rather do nothing else in the whole world than sit around your empty apartment without a Playstation, a smoke alarm above my head, getting blue balls while you bake low-fat oatmeal bars. But it's a work night.
--Girl: #$**(%(%#%@@#@!#$^$%(&#$**(%(%#%@@#!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not saying it won't work, but I'm trying to make myself feel better and this is my blog so....bite me. Also, let the Flying Spaghetti Monster bless Skype. With Skype, however, 3,000 miles means that only two of the five senses can be employed--don't worry, we're experimenting with a third.

Until Apple invents a little taste pad (for kisses) right beside your "⌘" button, here are some romantic AND bro-approved solutions to a long-distance Valentine's Day:

1) SWAP PILLOW CASES
This is the assignment that inspired it all. Can't help it that my pillowcases have giant, purple flowers on them!

2) SKYPE COOKING
Agree on a recipe (maybe one you've cooked together before) and laugh over Skype when one of you burns it and has to go hungry. Which brings me to....

3) ORDER DELIVERY FROM HIS FAVORITE RESTAURANT
Bonus: his doorbell rings while he's in his underwear Skyping with you.

4) TAKE PHOTOS OF EVERYTHING THAT REMINDS YOU OF HIM/HER
Between now and V-Day, take note of all the times you think of your honey-poo and take a photo of whatever is nearby that triggered it. Compile the photos into some sort of non-sensical abstract art. Bonus: make the frame out of popsicle sticks dipped in your own blood.

5) LAMINATE A KISS
Find some cheap piece of paper like a Post-It or an old tampon receipt, put gobs of red lipstick on, and kiss it! Then embarrass yourself by taking it to Kinko's and laminating that shit. Cheap trick: just wrap it in cellophane or scotch tape instead.

6) HIS/HERS TOWELS
Give him "hers." Hopefully it's pink.

7) COUNTDOWN CALENDAR TIL YOU SEE HIM/HER AGAIN
Write a memory you two share on each day. K, I ripped this one off, I'll admit. But it's great for those of you who are flat-out, broke-ass, would-be-turning-tricks-if-it-weren't-for-your-boyfriend-anyway skanks.

8) SEND SOMETHING TO HIS/HER ROOMMATE
If you're chummy with them, mail something cute to his 'mate, and ask them to leave it on his desk or his pillow. Bonus: choose something really embarrassing like a My Little Pony and have his roommate tape it to the top flap of his briefcase, where it will fall out in front of co-workers.

9) EXPLETIVE
Warning: do not click this link if you are under the age of 18 and/or if you're on a company computer.

Please comment below when you have failed all of the above and thus have to break up with your significant other.

Kisses!